Personal Story: God Holding Me Secure

I've struggled for a long time with fairly crippling sadness and self-loathing. I can't say this is "depression" as I have never gone to get it checked out, but it is something I have experienced for a long time, fading in and out as it sees fit. Saturday night I had one of these experiences that flowed into Sunday. I was supposed to hang out with my fiance, but she was working on a project the whole time. I blamed it on that. But as it progressed I realized more and more this was simply a trigger. I started to feel worthless, unnecessary, and desired nothing more than to sleep and wallow. Even the next morning, I found it hard to get out of bed and at church couldn't help: I still longed for my bed or couch to simply lie there with no real purpose.

My loving fiance, being the great encouragement she is, reminded me I should read my Bible and spend time with God. This was obviously not what I wanted to do so I resisted, but it did remind me of something I tweeted just the day before.

This was meant as simply a general reminder, but oh how it spoke to me then! The link points to these verses: "Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving." (Colossians 2:6-7 ESV) Well you can imagine I felt incredibly silly knowing I had just attempted to encourage my few Twitter followers to find their comfort and foundation in Christ and here I was wallowing and letting myself feel worthless for no reason. But here in Colossians, I was reminded to keep Christ as my root and base so I could be secure in the sturdiest of foundations, not wavering with slight upsets but overflowing with praise for him.

The rest of the night God used to plant my feet firmly back in his grace and love. The youth group I am blessed to help at had a big event. I got to see a number of students who are serious about Christ worship and serve him to create this opportunity for our pastor Bill to rightly share the Gospel with many new faces. The Father put me right in the middle of a dire situation for a student, not to prove myself or make me look good, but to remind me and those involved that he is deserving of glory and he has not left us on Earth by accident. I was reminded of one of my favorite verses, which God has used countless times to pull me out of this sense of worthlessness and purposelessness to a right knowledge of his calling and decision to use me specifically. It reads "For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." (Ephesians 2:10 ESV) Paul, in his letter to Ephesus, just finishes famously explaining that we are saved by God's grace through our faith, which itself is a gift from him. Immediately after, here in verse 10, he explains that God saved and made us new creations to do good things for God and his Kingdom. However, these are not a general calling, but specific things that he prepared already. I was not saved from my sinful nature to simply die and go to be with God one day. I was not saved to, in general, work for God wherever I happen to find the opportunity. I was saved for specific, planned events that God designed for me, Garrett DeMeyer, to do for his glory. Helping that student through a rough patch Sunday night was not something that was an accident or an after thought: Before time began, God planned for me to be there, help him, and to bring God glory in it all.

If you are a Christian, this is true of you too. Or if you ever realize you are a slave to sin (like the rest of us) and can only reach God and true joy through Christ Jesus, knowing he loved you enough to die and to three days later rise again, paying for your sins so you could have a relationship with the Father, this will be true of you as well. Everyone who puts this trust in Jesus' sacrifice has good works planned out for them by God. Do not dare to say you don't have a purpose, do not dare to let the stones cry out in praise instead, when this is true of you, Christian.

Giving Up

So often in life, we are told to never give up. It's a sign of weakness, immaturity, and foolishness. We are supposed to push and push until we can't push anymore, then keep pushing. The idea is to dig deep inside of ourselves, "knowing" that we are strong and able to do anything we set our minds to. I'm learning to give up.

I am a firm believer in the idea of "total depravity." This means that we, as the human race, are evil from birth and born into sin, seeking our own gain and momentary pleasure. Genesis 6:5 says "The LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually." This shows that every intention we have is evil, from the early days of our existence (ever since the fall, or original sin), and Romans 3:12 agrees, declaring that "all have turned aside; together they have become worthless; / no one does good, / not even one." Nothing we can do pleases God or is righteous. Nothing we can do is worth anything. Uplifting stuff, huh?

The great thing about God's word is that it is filled with this seemingly depressing truth, but as a way of giving us hope. Without understanding we are sinful and worthless, and our "days pass away like smoke" (Psalm 102:3a), we can't understand how amazing God and his power are, or much less our necessity for him. But with this knowledge, knowing that there is nothing inside of us that is good, no matter how deep we dig or how much we push we can never live up to God's righteous standard or do anything qualified as good, we can find freedom from this in the Holy Spirit and finally accomplish the good works the Lord has prepared for us (Ephesians 2:10).

So with this background, I've been learning how to stop pushing, stop digging deep, and to give up. I consistently and daily forget I am unable to do anything alone. I try to lead Joelle and our relationship alone. I try to give advice alone. I try to grow closer to our Father alone. It's foolishness and it never works.

In fact, this past week I went through spells of feeling inexplicably sad. I spent these times wondering how I could feel better. Maybe if Joelle said the right thing, or I bought myself something fun, or if I was outright with it enough someone may feel sorry for me and fix it. The whole time I felt the Spirit prompting me to trust my Father, knowing he is sovereign and will work this for my good (the meaning of which is a whole other post I could write). But I refused at first, armed with my foam sword of mentalities that I just need to dig deep, push push push.

Having failed in my foolishness, I'm learning to give up. I'll never fully understand how, and until Jesus returns and everything is made complete I won't be fully sanctified, but I'm learning a little more now. I'm understanding more than ever I'm an evil human, whose only ability for good and sanctification is the Holy Spirit I've been sealed with by my faith in Christ and the Father's grace.