Reflections on a Year of Marriage

This past Sunday, my wife and I celebrated a year of marriage together.  I've made jokes (in poor taste) about how I might keep her around for another year. But honestly, the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce scares me. I know I am not the best husband and that many things I do frustrate my wife. I lack patience and I am easily frustrated by things she does with no intention to frustrate me. Really, I am afraid of myself because I know I am capable of ruining any relationship I am part of. That's my sin nature. A recent conversation with my co-workers left me to consider this in a different light, however.

We were discussing my anniversary trip with my wife and my fear of heights. We did some hiking at Devil's Lake as part of our trip. This hiking took us up on bluffs that overlook the lake, providing beautiful views and a great opportunity to wonder at God's creation. I am terribly scared of heights, though: A ladder freaks me out. So getting too close to the edge of these bluffs scared me quite a bit. I was telling my co-workers how she tried to get too close, for my comfort, to the edge of a particular rock and I asked her not to. My wife, being the considerate woman she is, obliged.

It was this story that confused one of my co-workers. Why did she have to do what I asked of her, if going to the edge of the rock made her happy? Why should my comfort be above her desire to reach the edge of the rock and look out onto the gorgeous lake? And he makes a good point. I should not demand my wife follow my wishes for comfort when it gets in the way of her happiness, as long as she is safe and righteous in doing so. So was she wrong to listen to my concern?

My job as a husband is to hear my wife's wishes and concerns and act accordingly. My wife showed this perfectly when she backed away from the edge; She sacrificed her happiness for my comfort. This should always be our focus.

The Bible is full of calls for us to die to ourselves as Christ died on the cross (Galatians 2:20, Luke 9:23, etc.). How this looks in my marriage is putting my wife's needs ahead of my own. If I am to love my wife like Christ loves the church, I am to give myself and my needs up for her (Ephesians 5:25). For example, if I want to confront someone in public about their behavior but my wife asks me not to, I should give up my desire to make someone uncomfortable and myself happy for the sake of her desire.

This is something I knew, but not something I realized God was forming in me. When I think about it, I give up my desire for my wife's needs a lot more than I would want to. In fact, after explaining this a little to my co-workers, they were still confused or thought it rare. I really have no one to credit this to other than Christ and his work in me. If it were up to my desires, my wife would be here to serve me, not the other way around. I praise God he has already changed that as much as he has and I pray this sanctification continues to happen.

That Autumn Evening, That Summer Afternoon

Bring me to that autumn evening,

surrounded by people I didn't know,

masking my nervous feelings

with extroversion following in tow.

The chance to meet that pretty girl.

I'm not sure I said I had a "type"

but how her lips revealed those pearls,

skinny jeans, dark haired swoop. This felt right.

Don't bring me to those winter months

when her heart beat somewhere else

while mine left my chest to follow it. To hunt

in vain, its veins dragging behind itself.

Show me only when she corrected herself:

I mean my ex-boyfriend.

Like for a moment Spring forgot himself

and didn't wait for Winter to end.

Bring me to that spring evening.

I can't believe how gorgeous she is.

Masking my nervous feelings

with wit and prayers to grant this wish.

I still remember how at home I felt

on that uncomfortable sofa

in a strange living room. But I held

her with "forever" - a lasting aroma.

Bring me to that summer afternoon

and I've never been more nervous before.

Colored panes bounce off white dress. The room

disappears; Her tide of beauty takes the shore.

But bring me back here, a year from that summer

and let me live, lips lock and hearts take room

in each others' chest. One flesh - one Drummer

for both beats. Leave me here to be her groom.

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This is a poem I wrote for my wife for our one-year wedding anniversary.  Please enjoy.